


Felix

by rorywritesstuff



Series: Felix [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Action, Chaos, Comedy, Fire, Gen, Murder, Robots, Stand Up, freezers, killbots, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:03:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix is an extremely small-time comedian whose dreams died around the same time that his ex left him and his club burnt down. He keeps on smiling, but sometimes it seems like the universe is out to get him. Then a magic man from across the stars shows up and reveals that maybe it is...<br/>COMPLETED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Felix

"I met a man this weekend." Felix smiled, pseudo-coyly, and raised a wry eyebrow at the crowd. They obliged him with an 'ooooh' and someone at the back wolf-whistled. "Yeah, yeah: he's a bit old for me- nine hundred and twenty seven-" There were a couple of chuckles from the audience, "-but he treats me right and that's what's important." Here Felix cast his gaze out over the crowd- he couldn't see much because of the lights; he didn't really know what he was looking for. He twisted the ring on his index finger, looked down at his shoe for a second, and then at the microphone, "A lot better than my last fella- he used to cheat at scrabble." Someone in the crowd gasped in mock-horror. "I know, can you believe it? What a crummy thing to do. He'd grab vowels when I wasn't looking and shove them in his underwear. And when I found them later, he'd say 'Oh no!'," Here Felix deepened his voice and put on a broad northern accent in order to portray his former lover, "'You discovered my love of pant-Es!'" The audience laughed a little, nowhere near what Felix was hoping for. That joke took a long time to write. But he couldn't focus on that, or else he wouldn't get through the set; just let it go, that was the ticket- there was always the next line. "But it's fine- this new bloke's great. He's honest and funny and athletic: he runs everywhere. He's like a bloody bath toy. You know, he has one speed and I only ever need him when I'm naked." This got more laughs. Felix smiled and took a deep breath. He was doing okay. "And, best of all, he's got a job! Yes! Even better, to make my mother happy, he's a doctor..."

***********

Felix slammed the door to the walk-in freezer shut and scuttled quickly up the steps from the pantry. Miranda waited at the top, her face awash with panic. She opened her mouth to ask a question but Felix shut her down with a shake of his head, "Empty."

"Completely?" Miranda asked, her voice raising several octaves at once.

Felix nodded. "It's like a mormon wedding down there."

Miranda looked like she might have a fit, "Did you check-"

"I looked everywhere, Miranda, even in the bloody freezer. There's no booze, we're bone dry."

Miranda made a noise somewhere between a squeak and a gasp, "There'll be a riot! They'll cut off our heads! They'll flay us alive! They'll leave before my set!"

Felix glanced at his watch- there was still thirty minutes before Miranda was due to go onstage, and forty five before his slot. He grimaced. "Maybe we can hold off until nine; how many WKDs do you have in your handbag?" He asked.

She went to protest her innocence, but Felix tilted his head to one side and she acquiesced. "Four." Felix raised an eyebrow. "Six."

"And there's the gin in your locker."

"How do you-"

"Everyone knows about it." He glanced at his watch again, "We might just be able to keep them at bay until my set."

"And then they'll all storm the stage at the prospect of listening to you sober." She smiled at him and chuckled at her own joke.

"Yeah, real funny," He walked past her up the stairs and then turned back, "but you're going to have go on without a drink."

Her laughter stopped immediately.

At seven thirty, Felix stepped out for some fresh air. He was finding the club oddly claustrophobic, despite the decided lack of patrons. He smelled something sharp on the air and turned to see Miranda, half-hidden in the bushes, sucking on a cigarette like it was her last meal.

"Oh look, there's a chimney growing among the roses." Felix deadpanned.

"Look, no one knows." She replied, taking another drag.

"What about me?"

"Like, I said- no one." She winked and stepped from out of the bushes, walking up to him. "I'll quit on Monday."

"Well, there's power in beginnings," Felix mused.

"In that case, I'll wait 'til January." Miranda said, flicking the end of the cigarette at the car park.

Felix turned to berate her. "Miranda, you of all people-"

"Oh, relax! Can you honestly tell me you'd care if this place burnt down again?"

Felix looked from her to the small building and back again. He realised that the club was the only thing that was really left in his life and that, if it did indeed go back up in flames, he wouldn't really mind. The first time it had happened, he had thrown himself head first into trying to get his beloved club back. He lead the search for donors, tried to rally local interest, held extensive auditions for new acts, but six months of apathy once the building was completed had sapped his energy. He was sick of trying to make empty seats laugh and getting yelled at cos they were out of booze. Let it be ash again. His fervour was gone; he no longer believed in the importance of laughter. The thought made him sad. "Let's go in," he said simply.

Miranda looped her arm in his. "So, what set are you going for tonight?" She enquired. "Your sister's wedding or the Wizard of Oz stuff?"

"Actually, tonight I'm trying something new."

"Oh, that doesn't bode well."

***********

Miranda's secret stash lasted them until eight fifty, mostly because it was a slow night. Felix watched her on the stage, trying to muster a laugh from the twelve or so people in the audience- actually using some pretty good material, but being deflated by the dedicated apathy of the audience.

She rounded up and exited the stage to scattered applause at eighty fifty two- three minutes before she was meant to- and Felix gladly marked the end of his shift on the chart behind him. The lack of alcohol was now the problem of whoever was on bar duty after him.

He unhooked his apron and undid his top button. He didn't want to get too hot up there. It was already shaping up to be a difficult night. Just as he was about to walk round the side of the stage, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see a man who looked to be in his twenties, with short brown hair and an absolute stradivarius of a chin. He was wearing a fitted brown suit and a bright red bowtie. Overall, he gave the impression of a university lecturer trying too hard to be cool.

"Can I help you?" Felix asked, glancing at the clock and praying the man wouldn't ask for alcohol.

"Yes, I'll have two plates of fish fingers, two bowls of custard and one plate of both mixed together. Oh, and a salad. I'm trying to keep trim." He patted his stomach. The man's face showed no sign of a joke, but Felix laughed a little anyway, mainly out of pity- this would often happen in Comedy Clubs; amateurs testing out new material on the staff. But the man didn't take kindly to the titter, "Oh, it's alright for you- but some of us have got to watch what we eat."

"O...kay." Felix glanced around in case there was a camera pointing at him. Honestly, he could use the exposure.

"So, three servings of fish-custard, quick as you like," the man said and knocked twice on the counter; clearly he felt that Felix was the one being facetious.

"We don't do food." Felix replied, glad to have this all-purpose get-out from this conversation.

"Well, that's rubbish, what's the point of coming here then?"

"The comedy?" Felix ventured, uncertain whether this was true. He pointed at the stage, but the man didn't follow the line of his finger; instead he stared very intently at Felix's hand.

"Where did you get that ring?" He lifted up Felix's hand towards his face and for a moment Felix thought the man was going to kiss it. "Why would you need a ring like that?" He addressed Felix's index finger.

Felix glanced down at the piece of copper jewellery. He didn't like the thing- it was quite an ugly design and rather hefty-and he only wore it for sentimental reasons, but he realised that he didn't like that someone was drawing attention to it.

The man, who seemed unconcerned or perhaps unaware that there was a person attached to the hand, flipped it over and traced the lines on the palm and then suddenly looked up, "Are you human?"

"Yes." Said Felix, who, even after everything else the man had done, found this question rather impertinent.

"Are you sure?"

Felix snatched his hand back. "I have to go on stage now. Bye." He ran up to the side of the stage and behind the curtain, too worried to glance back in case the man was still there. He took a deep breath and cleared his thoughts; he needed to be relaxed on stage.

***********

Felix put his mouth to the backstage microphone and rolled off his self-introduction. "Ever wonder what that weird guy behind the bar was thinking? Did you ever ask yourself 'what's his deal'? Did you even notice him at all? Well, you're about to now because, ladies and gentlemen, it's the guy who's been serving you watered down drinks all night, Felix Acton!" Felix ran onstage to less-than-cascading applause. He put his hands over his ears, pretending that the sound was deafening and too much- even behind his hands, he knew that no one was laughing. "Hello, ladies and gents! How are you doing?"

He thought he heard someone say "Alright". He realised it was Miranda.

Pre-amble had never been one of Felix's strengths, even when the audience was up for it- he decided to just launch straight into his set. "You know, I've really been struggling since my last relationship ended. I really want to get back on the horse, but it just brings back bad memories because my last honey was a centaur." He paused for the briefest moments- just in case there was any possibility of a laugh, and then pressed on ahead as though that wasn't meant to be a punchline. "Yeah, yeah, I dated a horse. Honestly, it was a bit stressful- I mean, we could never go to the pub, cos everyone would make the same joke." This merited a slight stir from the audience; Felix couldn't tell if it was a laugh or just someone clearing their throat. "And, of course, we were from two different worlds and you know what they say about mixed marriages: whenever our families got together it was chaos, because all the horses just wanted to run about and eat sugar. No wait, that was the toddlers." He looked out at the crowd, silent as the grave. He could see the man who'd accosted him standing at the back, looking about uneasily. Felix very much did not want to be on stage any more, but he was meant to do another thirteen minutes. He thought he heard a whisper in the crowd- something about 'dying'- and he realised that everyone in the room was acutely aware of his failings. But he put those thoughts to one side. He had to push on, even if no one wanted to hear him. "But all my family wanted to do was make glue. You see-"

A dark object appeared in his field of vision with just enough time for him to sidestep it as it flew at his head. It shattered against the back wall and rained its pieces down on the stage.

A glass. Someone had actually thrown a glass.

"Now, steady on-" Felix began, scared, humiliated, angry, but also slightly relieved at the sudden interruption of the petrifying silence. Another glass soared at him and narrowly missed crashing into his skull.

"Security!" Felix yelled, hoping to intimidate his unseen assailant. But there was no security. Of course there wasn't- they couldn't afford it.

A third glass smashed on the stage and Felix decided to leg it. He heard Miranda scream as he bolted to the side stage area, where a curtain interrupted the arc of a fourth missile aimed at his head. Someone really had it in for him. Surely, he wasn't that bad.

Okay, maybe he was.

The next glass actually ripped through the curtain, it was thrown with such force. It landed at his feet, whole and unbroken.

He heard more people screaming and the unmistakable sound of people exiting the building en masse. Whoever was doing this had clearly worried a lot of people.

The next second, the man from before was standing next to him, and reaching for Felix's hand again. Felix had just about had enough; he pulled his hand away and held it at eye level, in case he needed to punch the man. "What is your problem?" He yelled.

"Apponaptic Killbot." The man replied, in a tone that implied he thought was saying words.

"What?" Felix asked, bewildered, and the man used his momentary distraction to grab his right hand again and bring it close to his face.

"Where did you get this ring?" The man asked, his breath brushing against Felix's skin.

"None of your business!" Felix yanked his hand away with such force that he took a few steps back. "I'm calling the police."

"Well, they won't do much good. Apponaptic Killbots don't recognise any legal authority. Wouldn't be very good killbots if they did." Said the man, furrowing his brow as though this should be obvious.

Felix tried to concentrate on the absurdity of the man's speech and his phone at the same time, but finding his phone was dead (he could've sworn he'd charged it this morning), he looked up at the man and asked "What on earth is a-"

There was a tearing sound and light flooded the area. Felix turned to see, mostly in silhouette, a large, blocky thing with one large, foreboding red triangle flashing near its centre. On one side, it had what looked like a plastic tube, on the other was unmistakably an axe. It radiated menace.

"Ah." Said Felix, suddenly understanding. "So that's a..." He couldn't remember the words the man had spouted.

"Apponaptic Killbot." The man filled in, his voice still light- much lighter than the situation merited, Felix thought- but now with a trace of curiosity. "And rather far from home at that." He added, aiming this last statement at the thing with the axe.

The thing turned to him, its red triangle pointing in his direction, and emitted a steady ray of red light which went up and down the man's whole figure once. A scan. "Irrelevant." Came a horribly bass voice from some deep recess of the thing's interior. "Resume murder."

It turned back to Felix and raised its tube. His whole life flashed before his eyes- it seemed to mainly consist of him telling awful jokes and people not wanting to snog him.

He heard a click and saw a glass line up in the plastic. He had a spark of inspiration, ducked down, grabbed the unshattered glass from the floor and lobbed it at the red triangle. It flew directly at its target until it was suddenly accosted by a red glow, emanating from the machine, which surrounded the glass, held it in midair, turned it over once and then gently sucked it into the triangle. "Thank you." The killbot said.

"Oh great idea," the man said, turning to Felix, "Give it more ammo."

"I thought it would kill it!"

"You can't kill it! It's a robot!"

"This is irrelevant," the machine droned, "Resume murder."

It fired.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything slowed down, as it has the leisure of doing towards the end, when the final outcome is all but assured. The glass flew towards Felix, spinning on its side, looking so patently familiar and yet flying just fast enough to kill him; deadly and domestic in equal measure.

The man, standing to Felix's left, raised his arm- Felix vaguely noted in his peripheral vision that he was holding something grey and cylindrical, with a blue light at the end- and there was a buzzing noise.

About half a foot from Felix's face, the glass disintegrated. It didn't smash, it just dissolved back into sand and sprinkled lightly to the floor. Even the killbot looked slightly surprised, the red triangle tilting slightly downwards, giving away that it was staring at the floor in disbelief. Then it, turned to face Felix once again, and time whipped back to its normal speed.

"Resume murder." The axe on its side started spinning and it charged at Felix, who dodged nimbly to the side.

"Run!" Yelled the man, setting off.

"Oh, you think?" Felix replied, already dashing for the exit. Behind them, the killbot followed, still spinning its axe fervently. Felix reached the doors and grabbed the handle, only to find it steadfastly, horrifically locked. He pulled again, but the door just clicked slightly.

The man ran up alongside him and banged against the door with his fist. "No, no no!" He turned to Felix, "Don't you have the key?"

"It's locked from the outside."

"What?"

"Can't you just disintegrate it?" Felix asked.

"It's wood! It doesn't work on wood!" He slammed against the huge, slanting, old oak doors which resolutely refused to budge.

"Then disintegrate the robot!"

"I can't; this is a sonic device- it can't just melt metal."

A call of "Resume murder," came from just behind them. The robot was a few feet away and closing in fast.

The man turned desperately to Felix, "Isn't there a fire exit or something?"

"No, but down here!" Felix pulled the man by the arm and dragged him down the steps towards the cellar. They took them two at a time and, just as the killbot reached the top of the staircase and volleyed another glass at them, they ducked into the freezer. "Can it go down stairs?" Felix asked, not daring to stick his head out and look but also not daring to close the door all the way- truth be told, the freezer frightened him.

"No, not many stairs on Thrid."

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, they all have tentacles, you know, so they'd be a bit tricky to navigate. They do a killer calamari, though. Speaking of-" He suddenly looked up and all around, turning on his heel with his head held high in the air, like a wind up ballerina. He finally stopped and raised a quizzical eyebrow at Felix. "I thought you said you didn't do food?"

"We don't." Felix replied, his hand still resting on the heavy metal door, propping it open.

"Then why do you have a walk-in freezer?" The man asked.

A glass exploded right at the edge of the door; Felix jumped, his hand slipped and the door slammed shut. Felix yelped.

"It's okay," the man said reassuringly, "It's okay."

There was a roaring sound, as though someone was using an open flame. Felix watched in horror as the metal at the edge of the door bubbled and liquefied, spreading to fill the crack between the door and the frame, and then almost instantly reset, hard as iron. The door had been welded shut.

"Alright," the man said, his breath coming out in little clouds, "It's not okay."

Felix tried to wrench at the door, even putting his foot up against the wall, but it was stuck fast. "It won't budge. We're stuck in here." He tried very hard not to sound hysterical. He failed. "We're going to freeze to death."

"Maybe not." The man said, pulling the grey cylinder from his pocket.

"I thought you said it couldn't melt metal?" Felix's teeth were chattering and he involuntarily grabbed his arms to try and stop them from shivering.

The man was pointing the cylinder at the doorframe, emanating blue light and the same buzzing sound. "Not something as big as the killbot, no, but something small like a door, if we're lucky-"

The cylinder suddenly went dead- no more light and no more noise.

"Why did I say that?" The man asked, "Of course we're not lucky."

"I'm going to die in here," said Felix, shrinking against the shelves and sinking to the floor. He was shaking uncontrollably from the fear and the cold.

"No, no," The man said, tapping the cylinder against the side of the door, trying to get it back working, "There's always a way out."

"How? How can we get out of this?" He banged his head backwards on one of the shelves and in this moment he felt the tsunami of hopelessness he had been keeping at bay suddenly flood past his defences, "How can I get out of my life? It's just one thing after another." His voice was getting deeper, and slower, and his face darkened. "Just let everything end."

"Oh, yeah, that's just the attitude to have." Said the man, throwing his hands in the air, "You are positively the worst person I've ever frozen to death with!"

Felix tried to think of something sarcastic to reply with, but nothing came to mind. His brain felt heavy: he kind of wanted to close his eyes. Out of anger, petulance and a slight bit of theatricality, he tried to shove over one of the shelves, but he could barely make it rattle. "This is really heavy," he murmured. Something occurred to him; a plan, very far away, straining to be heard over the cold and the despair. "This is really heavy," he repeated.

"Heard you the first time," the man muttered.

It was getting very hard for Felix to concentrate- the darkness at the edge of his eyeballs was very inviting- but this spark of an idea wouldn't quite let itself be drowned by the tiredness. "This shelf is really heavy." He stated for the third time, hoping that the man would get it. He didn't have the strength to enact or even fully articulate his plan but this man seemed to be resisting the cold somehow.

"Well it's made of stronger metal than the door, so I'm not surprised." The man had resorted to just slapping at the wall with his hand. It didn't seem to be helping.

"Yeah...it's...stronger..." Felix, trying to emphasise the final word, but instead just slurring it as the cold spread deeper in his brain.

"Well, then it's no wonder you can't pick it up." The man responded.

"You're...an idiot." Felix genuinely thought these might be his last words. They seemed to sum up his life quite well. But then, with a last gasp of effort, he added "Battering...ram." And that was less appropriate.

He blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

There was an odd banging sound, but Felix ignored it. Narrath was standing in front of him.

Narrath.

"Hello," He said, smiling the smile that could make Felix's heart skip a beat. His skin was a beautiful shade of blue- a blue Felix hadn't been able to find anywhere else.

"I thought you- didn't you-" There was something, something in the back of Felix's mind, trying to tell him that this wasn't possible, but it couldn't quite get the words out. The scene blurred slightly as there was another bang, but then came back into focus.

Narrath reached out his hand and Felix took it gratefully; he'd missed the feeling of the little grooves and bumps that covered Narra's palm. At first, he'd found it unnerving, to hold the hand of something so obviously inhuman (though he hadn't dared to say this aloud, in case it seemed racist), but he'd grown accustomed to it and, eventually, he'd started to like the feeling. He'd found the next hand he held a little disappointing, to be frank, what with its relative smoothness and lack of potentially poisonous spikes.

Felix realised they were walking. Narrath seemed to be leading him somewhere; Felix tried to get a look at his surroundings, but they weren't quite finished. Another bang and everything went fuzzy for a second, with images from another room bleeding in where it was least solid.

"Where are we going?" Felix asked, though he didn't really care.

"Somewhere important." He'd forgotten how silky Narrath's voice could be- the smoothness made every word a joy to hear. "There's something you need to understand about all this."

"Your horns are getting big," Felix commented.

"I thought I'd let them grow out a bit," Narrath explained, glancing back, "Really catch the boy's eyes, you know?"

"You look like an ibix."

"You sure do know how to make a man feel special," Narrath chuckled.

A bang shook the scene apart temporarily, but then it reconstituted itself and Felix could once more enjoy the sight of the man in front of him. He'd forgotten how gorgeous Narrath was. No, he hadn't. He'd just tried to trick himself into thinking that his ex was ugly.

His ex.

"You left." Felix suddenly realised. He stopped in his tracks.

Narrath sighed, "Damn, and we were almost there, too." Felix looked up and realised that the background was finally complete and they were outside the club- the old club, before it had burnt down, when Narrath and Felix had been happy- and there was an extremely tall figure in a black cloak standing at the perimeter. Another bang disintegrated the wall and this time it didn't come back together. Felix tried to look into Narrath's eyes, but they were gone.

Someone was clicking at him. Felix hated being clicked at. It normally meant an order was late.

It was the man with the bowtie. He was the one clicking. Felix tried to grab the man's hand, but just ended up lazily swatting at it. His body felt heavy. He was tired.

"Oh good, you're awake," the man grinned. "I thought you might have given up."

Felix tried to look around, but his neck was stiff. He could see the freezer door lying on the floor with one of the shelves next to it. He realised he was sitting in the pantry corridor, propped up against the wall. He tried to stand, but the man put a hand on his shoulder, and gently kept him down.

"Drink this. Don't worry, I'm a doctor," the man said and Felix realised that he was whispering. He proffered a tiny hip flask and when Felix failed to grasp it in his hand, he simply opened his mouth and let the man pour it in. Instantly, the thick woolen wrapping around Felix's brain evaporated. He felt alert. Energy flowed to the tips of his fingers and the soles of his feet. He felt brilliant. He felt alive. He sprang up.

He went to ask just what had been in the flask, but the doctor clapped a hand over his mouth, put a finger to his lips then pointed up the stairs. Felix looked up to see the dark silhouette of the robot, but without its telltale red triangle, perched at the top of the steps.

"It's sleeping," the doctor breathed, "let's let it rest, eh?"

Felix nodded. "How long will it be like that?"

"I don't know. It might think we're dead. Normally, Apponaptic Killbots won't stop for anything." He pursed his lips slightly in consternation, "But then they're also normally not in dingy clubs in east Birmingham, so I'm guessing this is its holiday or something."

"What is a Killbot?" Felix asked, glancing at the machine.

"You know the word 'kill'?"

"Yes."

"And you know the word 'bot'?"

Felix could see where this was going, "Yes."

"Well, do the maths." The doctor took out his gray cylinder again and pointed it at the robot. It whirred and clicked. "Oh, working now, are we?" The doctor chastised the cylinder. "Nice plan with the shelves, by the way." The doctor said to Felix.

"Well, it was rather obvious."

"Yeah, so obvious an idiot could have figured it out."

Felix blushed slightly, "Sorry."

"It's alright, I've said worse things at minus fifteen. That's how three of my weddings took place."

Felix cocked his head to one side; the man looked deadly serious.

"You've lead an interesting life, haven't you?"

"Says you," The doctor replied. "You dated a centaur."

Felix blinked at the ridiculousness of the accusation, "No, I didn't."

"You said you did." The doctor replied, looking affronted, like a small child who'd just found out that he wasn't, in fact, borne from a stork.

"I was doing stand up." Felix explained. The man raised his eyebrows, clearly nonplussed, so Felix added, "Trying to make people laugh."

"Oh!" The doctor exclaimed quietly, "Well, you didn't."

"I'm aware." Felix sighed.

"I mean, if that was your intention, you failed completely."

"Okay."

But the doctor was just warming to his theme, "I mean, there was no laughter in that room at all. I mean, I've been to the Soundless Pits of Feras, where they literally mine silence, but even those were more-"

"Why is that thing after me?" Felix pointed at the killbot, changing the subject.

The man was stared up at it and his face darkened. "That is a very good question." He turned to Felix and glanced once more at the ring, then looked Felix in the eye and explained "Queen Apponapse of Thrid (She of the Umpteenth Tentacle) noticed that her planet was overpopulated. She wanted to do something, but Thrid was a peaceful planet, built on fairness; there was no one easy group of people to sacrifice. So, she did the fairest thing she could think of and decided to leave the choice to fate. Specifically, the FATE engine built into each killbot which means that they only target one in every trillion beings that they encounter." Here the doctor narrowed his eyes at Felix, "And it targeted you."

"Mother always said I was one in a trillion." The doctor snorted- Felix appreciated the laugh. He asked, "Why does it shoot wine glasses?"

"I think that's its idea of blending in."

Felix looked up at the hulking, slanting, square block of obsidian black metal at the top of the stairs- it was at least four foot wide and seven feet tall. "Does it know what 'blending in' means?"

"Well, it's being positively stealthy for a killbot. I mean, welding someone inside a freezer? That's creative. That takes...art. God, I do hope they aren't developing a sense of subtlety."

Felix was staring at the thing's 'arms' (for want of a better word), "How did it hold a welding torch?" But something was annoying him more, "And how did it get here?"

The doctor shrugged. "Fell through a hole in space and time."

"Can that happen?"

"I used to think so, but as an answer I'm starting to find it less and less satisfying." The doctor glanced up at the killbot- "Of course, there is another possibility"- and then back to Felix, "It followed you."

Felix reeled slightly at the hidden accusation. "I've never been to Thrid."

"That-" The doctor pointed at Felix's right hand, where his ring sat, "-is a Formlock Ring. Used to keep someone in one shape, even if biology has other ideas. What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything." Felix drew himself up to his full height, which wasn't really all that impressive.

"So, take off the ring."

"No," Subconsciously, Felix twisted it on his finger. He was scared the doctor would try and take it.

"If you have nothing to hide-"

"I don't have to prove anything to you." Felix spat.

"You do if you want my help." The doctor said, his voice laced with just an edge of anger.

"I never asked for your help."

"You'd be dead without it." The doctor countered.

The only thing Felix could think of as a response was, "Maybe that thing followed you, whatever you are."

"Why are you so defensive about that ring?"

"Why are you so obsessed with it?"

"Just take it off." The doctor commanded.

"No."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE IT'S ALL I HAVE LEFT!"

There was a rumbling sound at the top of the stairs. The killbot was waking up. The red triangle began to reappear.

"Oh nice going, laughing boy." The doctor chided.

"Throw the shelf at it," Felix suggested, his voice getting high pitched.

"I can't lift it anymore!" The doctor said.

"What?"

"It's heavier in the heat: it's bazoonium."

"I guarantee you its not." Felix snarled, but he saw no sense in arguing. "Well, you can disintegrate the glasses, yeah?"

The doctor pointed the cylinder at the robot and it just started to glow before once more going out. "It's not working again."

"What?"

"Resume murder," The robot intoned.

It lifted the plastic chute and Felix just had time to throw himself behind the felled shelf before a glass exploded inches from his head.

"Grab the door!" The doctor yelled, as more and more missiles shattered around them.

Felix dived towards the freezer door and managed to prop it up in front of him. The doctor crawled over to join, more and more razor-sharp pieces raining down on the floor all around them. The sound of the smashing was deafening.

"How much ammo does it have?" Felix yelled over the roar of the crashing.

"Enough to drown us in shards!" The doctor shouted back.

"Oh, God." Felix said, "This can't be happening." Unconsciously, he rubbed the ring.

"Take it off!" The doctor yelled. "The killbot works on sight- if you change forms, it won't recognise you. It'll stop shooting."

"I've told you- I don't have another form! I'm human!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" The doctor shouted, as a particularly eager missile dented the metal door.

"It's getting stronger." Felix whispered, terrified.

Boom! Another dent appeared and the metal seemed to be cracking. The doctor furiously banged the gray cylinder against the side of the door, "It's just stopped working!" and then suddenly his eyes widened triumphantly with a revelation. He stood up, stepped out from behind the makeshift shield and then lobbed the cylinder right at the robot's triangle. Much like the glass before it, its arc was interrupted by a glob of red light, it hung suspended in the air for a second, spinning gently, and then was dragged by an invisible hand into the triangle.

The smashing stopped. The robot faltered, its 'arms' shuddering and it seemed to shake slightly from side to side. Then the triangle went out and it slumped forward. It was out.

Gingerly, Felix looked out from behind the door. "What happened?"

The doctor turned to him, his face a picture of cold fury. "Someone has been messing with me." He folded his arms and looked up the stairs. "And I am not to be messed with.


	4. Chapter 4

The doctor raced up the steps, Felix trying to keep up behind him.

"But what did you do the muder machine?" He called, marvelling how his life had gotten to the point where he would say such a thing.

"I fed it my screwdriver."

"Your what?" Felix asked.

"My screwdriver."

Felix pictured the shiny grey tube with the LED one the end that he'd seen the doctor using. "Do you know what a screwdriver is?"

"This is different," the doctor explained, "this is a sonic screwdriver."

"Oh: that's what we call an orange juice and kahlua."

They reached the top of the stairs, where the killbot took up most of the corridor. Felix had imagined they would have to tread lightly around it, but the doctor merely pushed it out of his way. When it was Felix's turn, he too found it surprisingly light. He joined the doctor standing in the middle of the auditorium; he was gazing around at the interior, obviously looking for something.

"But why didn't you do that earlier?" Felix questioned. "Down the robot, I mean."

The doctor didn't look at him as he spoke, "Because I hadn't realised."

"Realised what?"

"That this was all a construct. A puppet theatre. A planned, staged production with terrible choreography and an extremely dislikeable leading man." Felix looked hurt, so the doctor added, "Not you. The person who's been making all this stuff happen. They put an EMP field around my screwdriver, short circuited it. But that meant that when I gave it to the robot, it couldn't function."

"But this isn't a theatre- I mean, that improv group meets here on Saturdays, but it's just the club. Nothing important happens here."

"Look around," the doctor instructed. "What do you see?"

Felix took a very cursory glance- he already knew the inside of this building far too well. "Just the club," he answered.

"Do you see a fire exit?" The doctor asked.

"No." This had struck him as a little odd at the beginning, but he'd just been so happy to have his stage back at all that he hadn't thought about it.

"And yet everything smells like ash."

Felix sniffed the air. "Does it? I think you might be having a stroke."

The doctor sighed, "Humans are so limited." And so that confirmed it- what Felix had been beginning to suspect- this 'doctor' wasn't human. "You can only smell in either the past or the future, never both." Felix managed to process this sentence without reeling, but it took some doing. The doctor continued "Was there a fire here recetly?"

Felix nodded.

"What was the cause?"

"They don't know- they couldn't find any evidence."

"Hmm." Then suddenly the doctor ran over and licked one of the walls- actually pressed his tongue against it. Given what Felix had seen going on in this room, it was not a course of action he could condone.

The doctor smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth a couple of times and then pronounced "Four months. This building is four months and...three days old."

"Exactly." Felix confirmed, this time allowing a little surprise into his voice.

"So you had a fire, what, six months ago?"

"Five."

"Even better. Big fire. Big, big fire. Big blaze. Burns the place down, right to the ground. And now, six months later, we're back, here in Birmingham, brand new building, all the trimmings: great big totally anachronistic oak door, completely empty and yet powered up walk-in freezer, bazoonium shelving so you're more likely to knock it over and a murderous robot from beyond the stars. Tell me, what's wrong with that picture- apart from everything?"

Felix boggled, trying to take it all in at once, "Um."

And then the doctor leaned in close and whispered "What British construction job has ever taken only one month?"

Felix's jaw dropped- how had he not noticed that? It would've made great material for a set.

"And you, funny boy," Felix really did not care for this nickname, "you've got a ring that helps keep you in shape. Literally. Where did you get it?"

"I was given it."

The doctor's eyebrow cocked, "At birth?"

"No. Seven months ago." He was beginning to see more coincidences popping up.

"Who gave it to you?"

"My boyfriend- ex."

"He was an alien?"

"Yes; Birovian."

The doctor's face lit up with glee and he seemed to momentarily forget his anger, "You dated a Birovian?"

Felix gritted his teeth- he had had this conversation too many times in the last few years. "Yes."

The doctor nodded and tried to hide his smile, "Like 'em pointy, do we?"

Felix didn't answer, settling for crossing his arms and making a face like thunder.

"Hey, I'm not here to judge." But the doctor couldn't quite let it go. "What did you do about the poison?"

"I knew where to...prod and where not to."

The doctor seemed to accept this as a fair answer. "You should put that in your stand up routine. That's useful information." And he couldn't help but add, "Lovely shade of blue, the Birovians."

"Doctor, you were ramping up to something about a conspiracy?"

"Oh, yes, right. So, club burns down a month after you're given a magic ring that prevents anyone from changing your form- seems rather convenient."

Felix's stomach leapt into his chest. "Do you think Narrath knew about the fire?"

The doctor shrugged. "He might have done. Or maybe you were just lucky." He froze and suddenly seemed to be addressing only himself, not Felix. "Lucky. LUCKY!" He jumped up and punched the air, half in glee, half in anger. "Of course! That girl who went on before you-"

"Miranda."

"Have you ever noticed she smells like fire?"

Felix said simply "She smokes."

"No, I didn't say she smelt like smoke. She smells like fire." He looked around at the club again. "That's because she's still burning."

"What?"

"She was in the club, right? When it went up?"

Again, Felix found himself nodding mutely. How could the doctor have known that?

"Well, I'm sad to say that, in some respects, she still is."

"What?" Felix found himself clutching the sides of his head, trying to keep all this new information in.

"She's been transposed. Badly. Someone cut her out of the fire, snip snip snip, and then pasted her, splat, into the present without even bothering to line up the edges." The doctor shook his head sadly, "it's just shoddy."

"Someone cut her out of time?"

"Well, not literally, of course. Well, yes, sort of literally actually. Well- look, 'cut' has a lot of meanings, alright?" He started pivoting on his foot again, clearly looking for the final clue.

Felix could barely bring himself to ask "Was it- was it Narrath who did that?"

The doctor shook his head. "A Birovian couldn't do that. They're not Time Active."

"What?"

The doctor turned to him, looking like a man staring down a rabid wolf. "The ring...take it off."

Felix really wanted to object. He hadn't taken the ring off since Narrath gave it to him; the same day he'd left. It felt like, if he removed it now, it would mean that his boyfriend was never coming back. It would mean that it was all over and that he'd wasted three years of his life on someone who didn't love him the same way he loved them. It meant that it wasn't going to be forever. The doctor was watching him, sadly, and a small voice in Felix's head said that of course it wasn't going to be forever. And he needed to be okay with that.

He slipped off the ring.

*************

The blast of heat nearly suffocated him. The smoke battered his eyes like a swarm of bees and the roar of the flames was awful. He was in the club- the old club- and it was on fire. Very, very on fire.

He was going to die.

**************

The doctor watced Felix disappear in a flash of yellow energy that left a rapidly fading outline and, in his place, the young woman he'd watched on the stage earlier.

Miranda blinked twice and looked around. "Where- where am I? What's happened?"

The doctor smiled and then turned his head up and adressed the ceiling. "Oh, that was good. That was so good. You almost got 'im. But now I'm involved, and you've made me angry. And you never, ever want to make an angry doctor wait. So, show yourself...Trickster."


	5. Chapter 5

The Trickster seemed to materialise from the shadows in the room- it was as though they had decided they suddenly wanted to be a person. He was tall- over seven feet- and wore a long, ragged jet black cloak that revealed only his face. He had no eyes, only pale skin covered sunken sockets. "Doctor," he breathed, "You have no right to summon me."

"And yet you came," The Doctor replied, "So clearly the lesson is: it never hurts to ask."

"You're too late." The Trickster's voice was like a particularly vicious mist floating lazily over a poisoned river, "The exchange is made."

"Yeah, five months after. Even you can't hold them off for that long."

Behind The Doctor, Miranda whimpered, "What is that?"

"I'm surprised you don't recognise him," The Doctor responded, "After all, he's the only reason you're still alive."

"Don't be so hard on the girl," The Trickster said, "She was only doing as any human would- saving their own skin."

"What's he talking about?" Miranda asked.

"The night of the fire," The Doctor explained, "This...thing- The Trickster- appeared before you and made you the offer of a lifetime. Literally."

"I don't remember that."

"Well, he wiped your memory. Didn't want you to give the game away to Felix."

"Felix?" Miranda asked.

"Yes, I'm sorry, but he doesn't actually care about you. He just wanted to kill your friend." And then he turned back to The Trickster, whose face gave away nothing. "Why?"

"Figure that out for yourself. The exchange is made. My debt is paid. You have no power over me." If The Trickster had known how to smile, he would have.

"Except that you're not playing by the rules: you didn't exchange one for the other, you just built a deathtrap of a club and then when that didn't work, you sent a killbot after Felix and when that didn't work, you tried to freeze him and now you had to appear here just to make sure nothing else went wrong. They must be breathing down your neck." The Doctor took a step towards The Trickster. "I wonder if they're here yet."

"Who?" Miranda asked anxiously, "What are you talking about?"

"The Reapers." The Doctor replied and perhaps just a shadow of panic crossed across the Trickster's face. "You see, when he saved you from that fire, he disrupted the balance of the universe- there was someone alive where a fatality was required. Normally, he'd just transpose one person into your death scene and let it play out. But Felix was wearing the ring. He couldn't be changed, not into chalk and not into you. So the death was left unfulfilled. That made a hole- and through that hole, the Reapers will crawl."

"I can stop them." The Trickster hissed.

"Not forever. I've actually always wondered: how long can you manage an imbalance? I'd say the maximum length was about five months, wouldn't you, Miranda?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"It doesn't matter, Doctor- everything is in order now, they will disperse. And I will have everything I need." He sounded calm- he had perhaps the best poker face in the universe- but the Doctor thought there was a slight quiver around the eye socket.

"Well, except that you cheated. You're meant to replace accident with accident, but this isn't arbitrary. You've nudged dice and palmed cards and welded doors." The Doctor mused, "And I can't imagine the universe likes that. You set that killbot on Felix-"

"Apponaptic Killbots work at random." The Trickster countered.

"Not if you tamper with them. Duh." The Doctor said, "Aren't you meant to be an avatar of chaos? How do you not know the meaning of the word 'random'?"

"Well, it hardly matters- the idiot took off the ring. I've transposed him now. He's going to die a very random death in a very random fire."

The Doctor paused, " Wait, you didn't start it?"

There was a petrifying screech from overhead- the kind of screech that vultures have nightmares about- and all three of them looked up. There was no doubting it now: The Trickster was definitely terrified.

"Impossible." He whispered.

"So, the reapers are still here," The Doctor observed casually, as though commenting on the weather, "I guess Felix didn't die then."

**************

Felix was in the middle of an ocean of fire. The flames were as tall as Christmas trees, and a hundred times as bright. They would have been beautiful if they hadn't been eating up the building around him and churning out ash. To his right, something exploded and Felix threw his hands up over his face, trying to shield himself from the heat, but to no avail. He was done for.

"You never used to be this defeatist." Said Narrath, standing to his left. "Gotta say, I don't like it."

But of course, Narrath wasn't there. He was a hallucination caused by the smoke and the heat and the crushing, crushing loneliness that was Felix's life. "Go away," he answered, "I don't want yours to be the last face I see."

"God, you're no fun anymore, Felix," Narrath chided, ignoring how a flaming woodbeam was sticking through his illusory torso, "You were never this lazy before- you haven't even tried to figured out what the ring symbolises yet."

"It symbolises you being a coward and scampering away in the night!"

Narrath shook his head sadly, "It was my way of telling you not to change. Not to let the heartbreak define you. It's programmed to look like you, Felix- I wanted you to stay the way you were. I thought you were perfect."

"Then why did you leave?" Felix ignored the flames- they could just kill him. Narrath's words were destroying him.

Narrath shrugged, "I didn't love you anymore."

"But- that- you just- ugh, why are you so exasperating?" Felix asked, and he almost felt like Narrath really was there. Maybe he wasn't just imagining it.

"Why are you so easy to beat? You need to toughen up." Narrath said, very seriously. Even if this was just his subconscious, Felix definitely wanted to puch it.

"I'm about to burn to death- I don't really care what you think!"

"See, this is what I'm talking about. 'Burn to death' this and 'freeze to death' that; you're so one-note today. You haven't even tried putting the ring back on. Think about it: he's still transposing you, or whatever. Put it back on and he can't do it anymore."

Felix looked down at the ring in his palm- it still felt cool, despite the heat around him. "But- but that would undo the symbolism of me getting over you."

"It would also save your life, so I think you can give yourself a pass on this."

Felix went to slip the ring back on, and the hallucinatory Narrath took a step towards him, "And besides," he took Felix's hand, "You're clearly not over me."

Felix put back on the ring.

************

There was another burst of yellow light and Felix was back. But Miranda was still in the room, cowering behind the Doctor.

"Oh dear," tutted the Doctor, "Both of them in the same room? They're not gonna like that."

And, indeed, from above the roof there came a mighty scream- and in it, if you listened closely, you could hear whispers of how you would die.

"Who's that?" Felix pointed at the Trickster.

"Long story short, he's the bad guy." The Doctor said.

"I recognise no morality: I am an avatar of chaos!" The Trickster yelled.

"You're a pillock." The Doctor responded.

The cries ahead doubled intensity. The reapers were getting angry.

"Fine then, Doctor, choose: the boy or the girl." The Trickster pointed at Miranda and Felix as he said this, and a burning yellow glow began to engulf the both of them, "One of them must die or the Reapers will never leave."

"I've got a thought," The Doctor responded, amazingly calm, "How about you die instead? Seeing as this is all your fault." And suddenly, the oak door disappeared from the wall, dissolving into thousands of tiny, brown baubles, "Oh, look, they agree with me. They're undoing all your meddling."

At this, the killbot spat the sonic screwdriver out of its back. The Doctor caught it midair, and turned smugly to the Trickster.

"That will not be," The Trickster said, panic rising in his voice, "I am not some ephemeral mortal for any passing scavenger to feast on. The Reapers cannot even see me!"

"Well, what if you looked different?" Felix yelled, stepping forward.

He slipped the ring onto the Trickster's skeletal hand.

For a second, there were two Felixes standing in the room, the original only discernible because of his luminescent glow. The Trickster-Felix raised his hands to his eyes and looked at them and said, in his normal, dinosaurian voice, "I'm human."

"Resume murder."

Everyone turned just in time to see the killbot volley a glass at the Trickster-Felix. It hit him square in the head, instantly drawing blood, and he fell backwards, lifeless. Just before he hit the floor, he vanished in a blast of light, leaving only the ring behind to roll along the floor and land at Felix's feet.

The screeching stopped. The glow around Felix and Miranda dispersed instantly. Everyone stood stock still, unsure of what to do next.

It was the killbot who spoke first, "Murder complete." It looked around, almost awkwardly, it seemed to Felix, and then said "Fare thee well." And it vanished from the room as thought it had never been there.

Felix turned to the Doctor, "Fare thee well?"

"Yeah; they're actually quite polite when you get to know them. Definitely one to take home to mother, if you're still looking."

"Felix, what the hell is happening?" Miranda asked, having once more found her voice.

"Oh yes." The doctor said, looking at her, "I'd forgotten about you." He put a thumb to her forehead, and she tumbled to the floor.

"What did you do?" Felix almost shouted.

"I just took the last few minutes from her memory. Trust me, she's safer like this- the Reapers might have accepted the Trickster's death as enough to sate them, but if they realised she knew what she knew, it would not end well." 

"So, is it all over?" Felix asked. For some reason, he didn't want it to be, even after all the almost dying.

"I guess so. Old Tricksy won't be back again any time soon, anyway."

"You said he was dead."

"I say lots of things," The Doctor said. "Best to ignore most of them."

Felix bent down, picked up the ring and, after a moment's consideration, put it back on his finger. "How long had he been interfering with things?"

"Ever since the fire." The Doctor confirmed.

"So he...didn't make Narra leave?" Felix asked, his heart sinking. The Doctor didn't answer, but put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Did he- did he perhaps make me unfunny? I mean, to try and goad the audience into killing me or something?"

The Doctor looked uncertain. "Yeah, maybe," he offered. But his eyes spoke volumes.

Felix looked down at his hand, "Why didn't I disappear when I took the ring off?" Felix asked. He'd fully expected to be sent back to the flames.

"That was the Reapers. They weren't letting anyone else in or out by that point. Just in case the Trickster tried to escape."

"Okay," Felix said, but something was still bothering him, "How did the robot know which one of us to shoot? I mean, we looked identical."

"Maybe providence finally worked in your favour." The Doctor suggested. "Or maybe that weird yellow stuff was obscuring your face."

"Right." Felix said. He didn't know what was supposed to happen now- he guessed he should go home, but it just felt like such a copout after everything that had happened.

The Doctor looked similarly awkward, as though he wasn't sure of what he was about to say. "So...wanna have thrilling adventures in time and space?"

Felix paused. "Yeah, okay."

**********

The box said 'Police' across the top. Felix couldn't help but think that was probably illegal in some way.

"Now, I know it doesn't look like much-" The Doctor began.

"I love it!" Felix exclaimed. The box was the exact same shade of blue as Narrath.

"Great!" The Doctor beamed. "I just need to...tidy up a bit. One moment." He ran inside, and shut the door after him. Felix wondered how messy the inside of such a small box could be so messy. He'd see soon enough.

***********

Deep, in the bowels of the TARDIS, the Doctor walked up to a room made entirely of glass. In it sat a woman reading. She had brunette hair, a straight roman nose and a look of absolute mania in her eyes.

"Missy," the Doctor addressed her, "I've taken someone on."

At this, Missy clapped excitedly, leapt up and ran to the edge of her glass cage, glee distorting her face. "Oh, a new one, is it? When do I get to meet her?" She cocked her head to the side and smiled coyly, "You know you can never get serious until I approve."

"It's a 'he'." The Doctor replied, folding his arms.

"Ooh," Missy squealed, "A little old to be experimenting, aren't we? Well, I guess everyone tries it at least once." She winked.

"You will never see him." The Doctor's voice was like a brick dropping on her ecstasy. "You will never talk to him. And if you try and hurt him," The Doctor stepped so close to the glass his breath steamed up the glass, "I will throw you out of the airlock and watch you burst."

He turned on his heel and marched away, leaving Missy to coo after him, "Don't worry, Doctor!" And then she muttered to herself, "I won't let anyone come between us."

***********

Felix looked out at the audience- the club's attendance was much better that evening. And they'd loved his new set. He finished up, "...and then he blanches and says, "Don't worry, it's bigger once you're inside" and all I could think was "Yeah, I've heard that one before, mate."" The audience exploded with laughter and Felix beamed at them. He decided to leave them wanting more, "Thank you, goodnight!"

He ran offstage, and Miranda was waiting for him in the wings. "That was really good."

"Sound more surprised, why don't you?" But he smiled at her.

"You wanna grab a drink?" She asked. "I've met this new guy- Paul. You'll love him. He's a massive dork."

"Sounds great," Felix replied, "Just give me five minutes?"

"Sure."

He ran down the steps to the fire exit, newly installed on his insistence, and surreptitiously ducked out and ran into the TARDIS.

"How'd it go?" The Doctor asked.

"Fantastic!" Felix shouted, dancing around the console, "You can definitely go back and watch that one. I give you permission."

"Can't wait."

"But first, let's have an adventure, yeah?" His face fell, "But I promised I'd meet Miranda for drinks in five minutes."

"It's a time machine;" The Doctor explained for what felt like the eighteenth time, "we can have an adventure and get back four minutes from now."

"Good," Felix responded, "I need some new material."

**Author's Note:**

> The Doctor and Felix will return in 'A Most Peculiar Gentleman'.


End file.
